First Times and Last Times
by Forever in Space
Summary: "The first time and last time I held you in my arms at least one of us was intoxicated." Ryan considers the firsts and lasts of his relationship with Pam. Ryan/Pam, Ryan/Kelly


The first time and last time I held you in my arms at least one of us was intoxicated.

I found a small bag of white powder one of my friends must have left in my car. It was not my first time using it, though it was not yet a habit of mine. (Making what I did as a temp, I couldn't afford to make it a habit.) Thinking I had enough time on my lunch break to give it a quick try, I cut a row on a CD case. Perhaps I wasn't paying attention and snorted too much, but I was soon burning up as my heart raced and I was unable to think clearly. I stumbled out of my car just as you happened to walk by and I would have fallen onto the pavement had you not been there to catch me. I clung to you for support. In a panicked tone you desperately asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't focus on what you were saying long enough to answer. The only thought repeating in my head was the knowledge I was going to die, but the last thing I remember before passing out was trying to apologize when I noticed blood from my nose stained your sweater.

I saw you in a bar several years later. I think you were celebrating something, a friend's engagement perhaps, and you recognized me from across the room. You came skipping over to me with a big smile on your face and gave me a warm hug. If you were sober, perhaps all you would have given me was a small, acknowledging smile, but lucky for me you were not and I was able to hold you one last time. You felt nice in my arms, and I wanted to hold you longer as I remembered you from years ago, but suddenly recalling the ring on your left hand, I let you go and sadly watched as you returned to your friends.

The first time and last time you kept me up all night you slept soundly.

You told me not to worry about the blood before you helped me into your car, and. Though I was fading in and out of consciousness, I managed to beg you not to take me to a hospital. I couldn't tell you what was actually wrong with me, so I said it was a condition I had and it happened to me periodically. You took me back to your apartment and I told you to keep me awake. I feared if I blacked out again I would never wake up. You put a cold cloth on my forehead and, having nothing in common to talk about, I told you sometimes I suspected Michael had a crush on me. You laughed awkwardly and humored my odd suspicion, but it was obvious you were more worried about my health than whatever creepy thing Michael said. For hours my chest burned and heart raced as it threatened to simply stop at any moment. By the time I finally recovered, it was the middle of the night and you had fallen asleep sitting next to me on the couch. I watched you as you slept, but I continued to stay awake the rest of the night. I wondered why I never noticed you the way I did that night, and wondered if there was any possibility I could trade in Kelly for you.

I didn't sleep at all the night you married Jim. I repeatedly went over all our interactions over the years and tried to see what I could have done differently so I had more time with you. I cursed myself for every dumb thing I said to you and entertained thoughts of how I wished we ended up. You were all I could think about and I wallowed in my regret and self-pity until the first rays of the morning sunlight came through my window. You were somewhere sleeping peacefully next to your husband and I was the farthest thing from your mind.

The first time and last time I asked you out you rejected my invitation.

You drove me to work the morning after my overdose. Feeling ashamed and humiliated I meekly thanked you before I got into my car and drove home to finally sleep. I took a sick day, but you went to work as usual despite getting little sleep the night before. I considered a million ways to thank you, but it was unclear if any of them would tell you I merely appreciated you, or tell you of the feelings I developed for you. I approached you the next day and offered to take you out for lunch to thank you for helping me. At first you declined the offer, but eventually agreed. Afterall, you were done with Roy, and Jim was in Stamford. You seemed awkward the whole meal. I wanted to make it evident I was not trying to hit on you, but the fact of the matter is, I was.

In hindsight, things may have turned out better had I made more of an effort then, but you must have figured out I was lying about having a some medically condition and I did, in fact, overdose on illegal drugs. I didn't think I stood a chance with you; there was no way you could respect me after that night. I decided to be patient and bide my time. When I got the job at corporate, it seemed like my chance to finally win back some of my dignity and as soon as I learned the position was mine, I told Kelly, "You and I are done." With my new job and newfound wealth, I felt pretty confident, but I still remember the feeling in my gut when I asked you to have dinner with me and you told me you were dating Jim. I knew in my heart I was too late, but I told myself you two wouldn't last forever, and I just needed to wait a little longer. I never really could convince myself of this, so once I was back in New York, I fell hard into drugs. Though I felt guilty for doing so after you helped me survive an overdose, I justified it selfishly by saying I was getting back at you for dating Jim.

The first time and last time I kissed you I was met with silence.

Since I bought you lunch, I managed to build a friendship with you over the following few months. How you felt about Jim was no secret, and I worried you might be put off if you knew of my unrequited affection, so I maintained my relationship with Kelly hoping you wouldn't catch on to my real feelings for you. I didn't start to worry until Jim came back to Scranton. You were not shy about how you looked at him and Karen, and everyday I considered making a move, so, if anything, you would be distracted from the two of them. Despite you hosting the office Christmas party, it was obvious you were really hurt that Jim would be spending Christmas with Karen. I caught you alone in the break room at one point and tried to make some small talk, though you were obviously distracted. I hated seeing you look so sad, and without thinking I pulled you close and kissed you softly on the lips. You didn't kiss me back, nor did you try to evade me. I eventually let you go, and you stared at me in shock. Realizing I shouldn't have done that, I made up some lame excuse about there being mistletoe on the door or Kelly gave me too much to drink. Your gaze shifted to the floor and you shly scurried away.

I was such a punk when my hair was bleached. After I admitted to myself I lost you to Jim, I gave up trying to win you over. Humiliated by my downfall at Dunder Mifflin and humiliated that you had to see me working at the bowling alley, I tried to cling to any shred of dignity by acting like a tough guy who didn't care what anyone else thought. Though I still had feelings for you, I was resentful you never gave me a chance before getting engaged to Jim. I enjoyed teasing you too much and I could tell being trapped with me in the supply closet, or rather, the official office of the Michael Scott Paper Company, was driving you mad. I didn't really care. Thinking back, I remember every other detail of the moment except what it was we were arguing about. You were getting quite fumed and you looked adorable doing so. If I caught you off guard, I knew you wouldn't have time to react, so in the blink of an eye I stole a quick kiss from you. Feeling satisfied, I gave you a smug look and anticipated your wrath, but you surprised me by saying nothing. You merely gave me a glare before walking out of the room.

The first time and last time I told you I loved you was in whisper.

A few days later, I stood in the parking lot taking a smoke break when you came out of the building looking distraught. Despite myself, I still didn't like seeing you upset, so I dropped my punkish demeanor and asked if you were okay. You were stressed. You felt stupid for quitting your job right before marrying Jim, and you were worried you wouldn't be able to make ends meet if our company didn't pick up. You almost cried, and I wanted nothing more than to help you. Tentatively, I gave you a hug, and to my surprise you did not push me away. I held you tightly, and it occured to me I may never get to hold you again. I tried to say something encouraging like, "everything is going to be okay" and "you're going to be fine. You're going to marry Jim and then you'll be happy." This last one hurt to hear from my own voice and my eyes grew the slightest bit wet as I realized I really did still love you and regretted being so rude to you. You pulled away from my arms and seeing my face asked me what was wrong. I couldn't think of anything else to say, but your wedding was approaching so I took advantage of what may be my last chance to confess that I loved you. You looked surprised, though I believe you suspected my feelings all along. You put a hand on my arm, but said nothing. There wasn't much to say. Before you went back inside, you offered me a sympathetic smile and a small squeeze on my arm.

That first time was also the last time I told you I loved you.

It's been almost a decade since I stumbled from my car high as a kite and fell into you. Though I haven't seen you in years, your face still lingers in my memory, but only rarely do I recall it. Once I managed to find contentment in the knowledge that wherever you were, you were happy, I could finally focus on my own life. Kelly is sleeping softly next to me in our bed. In a few hours, she will awake and smile at me, and, whether I want to or not, I won't be able to help but smile back. I'll smile because I love her and she loves me. I'll smile because after so many years of evasion, happiness and I finally met.

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Author's Note: My first ever fanfiction for The Office. It never occurred to me to ship Ryan and Pam until I read some beautiful stories on here that did so. This is my contribution. Thank you for reading!


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